Born this way...

"I'm beautiful in my way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way". - Lady Gaga

Wow...what a message. I watched Glee the other night and the message was to love & accept yourself...good & bad because it makes us who we are. I completely agree with that, yet I have the hardest time doing so. There are several things I'd love to change about myself. I see a few flaws in me that my friends do not...they think I'm silly. Maybe they are right. But they do support me in the changes I do want to make. All my life I've struggled with my self-esteem...even to this day. I know what a beautiful person I am...I really do, but I have a hard time seeing it physically. When I was younger, in my teenage years, I was very thin. Even then I thought I was fat...man I'd love to go back & slap the teenager me. As I got older I packed on the pounds. And I will tell you at 34 it is A LOT easier to gain it than it is to lose it. You would think because I run often that'd help...and it did at first. I joined Weight Watchers to help kick start it, and it is...SLOWLY. I want to be able to throw on a swimsuit and not be self conscious (sp?) about how I look. And I can tell you I know this is my issue...and that I should just deal with it and get over it. And one day I will. I know I need to accept myself just the way I am, because I am a beautiful person. Sometimes it is just hard.

I think everyone has something about them they'd like to change. In my case it is to lose weight. Partly because I want to be healthy when I'm older and partly so I can of vanity. I've always said I am an open book and I will put it all out there. Sometimes it is theraputic for me...to just get it out. I am going to really try and live by the following statement...

We should all embrace what makes us who we are and different from the person sitting next to us :)

The Ex Factor

So there you are...running into the store to pick up 2 or 3 items when you notice your ex...and his new woman. And you think to yourself, he never went shopping with me. Or held my hand in public. Then you get to thinking and wondering why didn't he do those things with you? Then you get disappointed in yourself for even caring. I mean come on, you have more important things to care/wonder/worry about. Why give it any thought. But you did, and for some reason it was a blow to your ego and it makes you mad at yourself for letting it effect you at all. So, you grab your few items unnoticed and go home wishing everyone happiness.

It's been a while...

It has been a while since I blogged. I have so much I want to say, so much running through my head 24/7, but I can't get it all into coherent sentences and phrases. I try to sit down, collect it all, but no luck. At night I jsut want my brain to shut off so I can sleep...which doesn't happen. I plan to stay low-key this weekend...hit the pool again. Maybe then I can gather my thoughts enough to sort it all out. Who knows?

Saying good-bye...

This past week someone special was taken from my family. She was a bright young woman with so much love in her heart. The only good thing I can say about it is that she is not suffering anymore, but it is the ones left behind that continue to suffer & hurt. My mom & I went to the funeral yesterday. I was reminded why I don't care for funerals. They are sad. I was sad. We walked in, signed the book, found a seat and watched the picture slideshow of her life. I enjoyed watching the photos scroll across cataloging her life and all her acomplishments. She did so much in her 23 years. She had many people there which shows how special she was to all of us. After hearing the wonderful eulogies (sp?) her mom, grandpa and uncle gave I am inspired by her. Jessica volunteered and gave back even when she herself was sick. I am healthy and I don't even do that. Well, I should. And I will. I was blessed to know Jessica. I watched her grow up from afar, and enjoyed seeing the young woman she became. She never complained, not once. She never asked why her...I know I would have. She accepted what she was delt with and did it with a smile on her face. She loved everyone she met. She was the most forgiving person I know. She will be missed by all those that knew & loved her. And those lives she touched & changed will never be the same :-).

Jessica - I won't say good-bye...I'll say see you later. I will always regret not spending more time with you while you were here and for not seeing you in the days before you passed on. But I will always remember the little girl that swam in my pool, would sing & dance Achy, Breaky Heart to me & mom (Nana Trish) to make us laugh, and called me Aunt TeTe.

I have nothing to hide...

I try to be an open & honest person...to everyone. I am an open book, I have nothing to hide. I do not apologize for who I am or what I do. I like to think that makes me a strong person. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I really don't care. Some people like me, some don't. I don't care if you don't like me...that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can look at my Facebook page and see everywhere I've been & with who. I like to be with my friends...a lot of times that is usally at a bar somewhere. Does this make me look like a partier or alcoholic? Maybe. But once again, I don't care. I like to go out & have a good time with my friends. I like to drink beer sometimes. I bring all this up because it was brought to my attention how my Facebook page might make me look. My answer to this...I DON'T CARE what others think of me. I am an adult. I pay my own bills. I know who I am and the ones close to me know also. I am very loyal, caring and compassionate to the ones I hold dear. I would do ANYTHING for them. I tend to put other people first before myself. I will go without to make sure others have what they need or want. I know this is who I am. So whatever other people think of me - I really don't care. They have their reasons for judging me. Life is too short to be anything than who you are. I don't try to hide who I am and I know I will never change who I am. I am me...take it or leave it.

And I thought we were friends...

So here I am at work...working away and my BFF IMs me...here is the conversation. If you really know me and know my severe phobia of bugs...you can see me sitting at my desk shivering in fear at these photos...but damn it if I don't love her anyway. :-)

Melissa:
And you thought june bugs were freaky
http://i.imgur.com/Ngd3p.jpg

Tisha:
why would you do that to me?

Melissa:
LMFAO
There's a butterfly :)

Tisha:
what have i ever done to you?
i thought we were BFFs...lol

Melissa:
lol
I'm just trying to put your fear of bugs into perspective...it could be so much worse!

Tisha:
yeah
IN THE JUNGLE

Melissa:
See!
:D

Tisha:
i will never be in the jungle
lol

Melissa:
Here...this will make it better
http://i.imgur.com/Ai2la.jpg

Tisha:
much better
kittens will redeem you...ones that don't poop on the floor and cover it up.

Melissa:
http://i.imgur.com/yjU7Y.gif

Tisha:
I want that cat!

Will he ever catch a break?

I wish that I had a magic wand that would fix my dad's health forever. But that is all it is...wishful thinking. He had surgery before Thanksgiving (11/17) to remove the toes on his left foot. His donation to diabetes he said. We hoped for an easy surgery and stress free recovery. Sadly, this did not happen. On Monday 11/22 I got a phone call while out with friends that his inscision had burst open and he was taken to the ER. I rushed over to pick up mom and we went to the hospital they took him to. The ER doctors there did not close him up, said he'd have to see his surgeon at Parkland. So they got the bleeding to stop and sent him home. The next day (11/23) we went into the surgeons office and he found the problem. A tiny artery had un-carterized (sp?) itself and was bleeding inside his foot. The build up of pressure caused the inscision to burst. He sewed it closed, packed his foot, rewrapped it & sent him home. The surgeon made a house call on Thanksgiving Day to redress the foot and again the following Sunday (11/28). Dad had a follow up visit on 11/29 with the wound care clinic and the surgeon came down to check it again. Some of the tissue had died so it had to be removed. Next appointment was 12/1 and the surgeon said dad needed another surgery to take a little more of his foot in order to close it up. It was scheduled for 12/8. That visit to the hospital was all screwed up. He checked in on Tuesday the 7th and stayed overnight. He didn't go into surgery on the 8th until after 10pm...that is over 24 hours with no food or anything to drink! I understand emergencies come up, so reschedule his surgery for the following day so the man can eat! Suregery went ok as far as we knew. Friday the 10th he was to go back into surgery to close the foot up. This didn't happen until Saturday the 11th. He finally got to come home on Dec. 14th, cast & all. He was sent home with a PIC line and has to do 6 weeks of IV antibiotics 3 times a day because there is infection in the bone. He had a cast on his foot/leg for 2 weeks after being home. Follow up visit #1 revealed the foot has reopened. The surgeon has decided to let it heal from the inside out. Follow up visit #2 the cast came off. Follow up visit #3, which was yesterday, totally wiped him out. The surgeon poked & prodded (sp?) in his foot and had it bleeding pretty bad. A health care person is set to come by 3 times a week to hook up some sort of pump to his open foot to help drain it and possibly help it heal. I am so upset for my dad. He doesn't deserve all this. He is a good man. I wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. And that completely kills me.