One Day You Will - Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now


[Chorus]


But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet


[Repeat Chorus]


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of


[Repeat Chorus]


One day you will
Oh one day you will


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byegkp9RJME

This is my new theme song for now...

The smell of disappointment...

I reek of it. I am so disappointed in myself lately from my lack of motivation and general laziness...especially when it comes to my running. I had regsitered for the DRC Independence Day 10k and on race day downgraded to the 5k. I did the same thing yesterday at the Too Hot To Handle 15k...race day I downgraded to the 5k. Why? It was hot, yes. And I know I do not run well in the heat. I haven't ran much this summer at all due to said heat. But those are excuses. It is WAY too easy for me to talk myself out of running. How can I get in to a better mind set to do better about my running? All the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I've put back on. Great. I've completely given up on Weight Watchers. I do not have the best DNA handed down to me...I know this. I know I need to be healthy and take care of myself. Yet, I haven't been. And when I think about it I get disappointed in myself...I know I can & should do better. I've just been in a rut and can't seem to get out. I want to...I just don't. How do I fix this???

Born this way...

"I'm beautiful in my way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way". - Lady Gaga

Wow...what a message. I watched Glee the other night and the message was to love & accept yourself...good & bad because it makes us who we are. I completely agree with that, yet I have the hardest time doing so. There are several things I'd love to change about myself. I see a few flaws in me that my friends do not...they think I'm silly. Maybe they are right. But they do support me in the changes I do want to make. All my life I've struggled with my self-esteem...even to this day. I know what a beautiful person I am...I really do, but I have a hard time seeing it physically. When I was younger, in my teenage years, I was very thin. Even then I thought I was fat...man I'd love to go back & slap the teenager me. As I got older I packed on the pounds. And I will tell you at 34 it is A LOT easier to gain it than it is to lose it. You would think because I run often that'd help...and it did at first. I joined Weight Watchers to help kick start it, and it is...SLOWLY. I want to be able to throw on a swimsuit and not be self conscious (sp?) about how I look. And I can tell you I know this is my issue...and that I should just deal with it and get over it. And one day I will. I know I need to accept myself just the way I am, because I am a beautiful person. Sometimes it is just hard.

I think everyone has something about them they'd like to change. In my case it is to lose weight. Partly because I want to be healthy when I'm older and partly so I can of vanity. I've always said I am an open book and I will put it all out there. Sometimes it is theraputic for me...to just get it out. I am going to really try and live by the following statement...

We should all embrace what makes us who we are and different from the person sitting next to us :)

The Ex Factor

So there you are...running into the store to pick up 2 or 3 items when you notice your ex...and his new woman. And you think to yourself, he never went shopping with me. Or held my hand in public. Then you get to thinking and wondering why didn't he do those things with you? Then you get disappointed in yourself for even caring. I mean come on, you have more important things to care/wonder/worry about. Why give it any thought. But you did, and for some reason it was a blow to your ego and it makes you mad at yourself for letting it effect you at all. So, you grab your few items unnoticed and go home wishing everyone happiness.

It's been a while...

It has been a while since I blogged. I have so much I want to say, so much running through my head 24/7, but I can't get it all into coherent sentences and phrases. I try to sit down, collect it all, but no luck. At night I jsut want my brain to shut off so I can sleep...which doesn't happen. I plan to stay low-key this weekend...hit the pool again. Maybe then I can gather my thoughts enough to sort it all out. Who knows?

Saying good-bye...

This past week someone special was taken from my family. She was a bright young woman with so much love in her heart. The only good thing I can say about it is that she is not suffering anymore, but it is the ones left behind that continue to suffer & hurt. My mom & I went to the funeral yesterday. I was reminded why I don't care for funerals. They are sad. I was sad. We walked in, signed the book, found a seat and watched the picture slideshow of her life. I enjoyed watching the photos scroll across cataloging her life and all her acomplishments. She did so much in her 23 years. She had many people there which shows how special she was to all of us. After hearing the wonderful eulogies (sp?) her mom, grandpa and uncle gave I am inspired by her. Jessica volunteered and gave back even when she herself was sick. I am healthy and I don't even do that. Well, I should. And I will. I was blessed to know Jessica. I watched her grow up from afar, and enjoyed seeing the young woman she became. She never complained, not once. She never asked why her...I know I would have. She accepted what she was delt with and did it with a smile on her face. She loved everyone she met. She was the most forgiving person I know. She will be missed by all those that knew & loved her. And those lives she touched & changed will never be the same :-).

Jessica - I won't say good-bye...I'll say see you later. I will always regret not spending more time with you while you were here and for not seeing you in the days before you passed on. But I will always remember the little girl that swam in my pool, would sing & dance Achy, Breaky Heart to me & mom (Nana Trish) to make us laugh, and called me Aunt TeTe.

I have nothing to hide...

I try to be an open & honest person...to everyone. I am an open book, I have nothing to hide. I do not apologize for who I am or what I do. I like to think that makes me a strong person. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I really don't care. Some people like me, some don't. I don't care if you don't like me...that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can look at my Facebook page and see everywhere I've been & with who. I like to be with my friends...a lot of times that is usally at a bar somewhere. Does this make me look like a partier or alcoholic? Maybe. But once again, I don't care. I like to go out & have a good time with my friends. I like to drink beer sometimes. I bring all this up because it was brought to my attention how my Facebook page might make me look. My answer to this...I DON'T CARE what others think of me. I am an adult. I pay my own bills. I know who I am and the ones close to me know also. I am very loyal, caring and compassionate to the ones I hold dear. I would do ANYTHING for them. I tend to put other people first before myself. I will go without to make sure others have what they need or want. I know this is who I am. So whatever other people think of me - I really don't care. They have their reasons for judging me. Life is too short to be anything than who you are. I don't try to hide who I am and I know I will never change who I am. I am me...take it or leave it.