Racing goals...

Since my budget has been tight lately I've missed out on registering for some races I really wanted to do this season.  One being the Tour des Fluers 20k that is this Saturday.  Another being the White Rock Half Marathon.  I refuse to pay $100 for a race.  I just can't justify it.  And I waited too long to hop on a relay team.  Oh well.  I went through the local race calendar and have my eye on some races to do that I think I can work into my budget. So here is my race plan for this season:

10/13/11 Sante Fe Trail 5k
11/06/11 DRC Half Marathon (pacing the 2:40 R/W finish)
11/20/11 Fired Up 5k
11/24/11 Turkey Tro 8 Mile (I NEVER miss this one)
12/04/11 White Rock Marathon Relay (if I can get a team together)
01/22/12 Too Cold to Hold 15k
02/11/12 Hot Chocolate 15k (can't wait to do this one!)
The next 2 are maybes:
02/19/11 Austin Half Marathon
04/15/11 Hog Eye Half Marathon

If you have any other suggestions on good races preferably with nice swag let me know!

This is my bitch session...you were warned...

There are so many thoughts running through my mind lately...I keep saying I need to blog about it, but I don't. Then they keep running around in there and clogging it up.  Class started last week and I'm already a week behind...awesome! Go me!  I'm tired of being broke.  I need a financial windfall...SOON! There are so many things I want to do and races I want to run, but you can't if the $$$ is tight.  I'm tired of sandwiches and popcorn for dinner.  I wish CatDog would get a damn job to help out...oh well. I have food on the table and gas in the car.  My bills are paid so I know it could be worse.  But damn...I miss having fun.  I also miss my nephew.  I want my dad to get better and not have anymore set backs.  It kills me to see him hurting and in pain.  I wish the pointless drama would go away.  I wish people would mind their own business and worry about themselves.  I wish I could do something special for my friends to show them how much they mean to me.  I want to go visit Zak.  I miss his hugs. 

Ok I'm done...tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.

One Day You Will - Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now


[Chorus]


But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet


[Repeat Chorus]


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of


[Repeat Chorus]


One day you will
Oh one day you will


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byegkp9RJME

This is my new theme song for now...

The smell of disappointment...

I reek of it. I am so disappointed in myself lately from my lack of motivation and general laziness...especially when it comes to my running. I had regsitered for the DRC Independence Day 10k and on race day downgraded to the 5k. I did the same thing yesterday at the Too Hot To Handle 15k...race day I downgraded to the 5k. Why? It was hot, yes. And I know I do not run well in the heat. I haven't ran much this summer at all due to said heat. But those are excuses. It is WAY too easy for me to talk myself out of running. How can I get in to a better mind set to do better about my running? All the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I've put back on. Great. I've completely given up on Weight Watchers. I do not have the best DNA handed down to me...I know this. I know I need to be healthy and take care of myself. Yet, I haven't been. And when I think about it I get disappointed in myself...I know I can & should do better. I've just been in a rut and can't seem to get out. I want to...I just don't. How do I fix this???

Born this way...

"I'm beautiful in my way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way". - Lady Gaga

Wow...what a message. I watched Glee the other night and the message was to love & accept yourself...good & bad because it makes us who we are. I completely agree with that, yet I have the hardest time doing so. There are several things I'd love to change about myself. I see a few flaws in me that my friends do not...they think I'm silly. Maybe they are right. But they do support me in the changes I do want to make. All my life I've struggled with my self-esteem...even to this day. I know what a beautiful person I am...I really do, but I have a hard time seeing it physically. When I was younger, in my teenage years, I was very thin. Even then I thought I was fat...man I'd love to go back & slap the teenager me. As I got older I packed on the pounds. And I will tell you at 34 it is A LOT easier to gain it than it is to lose it. You would think because I run often that'd help...and it did at first. I joined Weight Watchers to help kick start it, and it is...SLOWLY. I want to be able to throw on a swimsuit and not be self conscious (sp?) about how I look. And I can tell you I know this is my issue...and that I should just deal with it and get over it. And one day I will. I know I need to accept myself just the way I am, because I am a beautiful person. Sometimes it is just hard.

I think everyone has something about them they'd like to change. In my case it is to lose weight. Partly because I want to be healthy when I'm older and partly so I can of vanity. I've always said I am an open book and I will put it all out there. Sometimes it is theraputic for me...to just get it out. I am going to really try and live by the following statement...

We should all embrace what makes us who we are and different from the person sitting next to us :)

The Ex Factor

So there you are...running into the store to pick up 2 or 3 items when you notice your ex...and his new woman. And you think to yourself, he never went shopping with me. Or held my hand in public. Then you get to thinking and wondering why didn't he do those things with you? Then you get disappointed in yourself for even caring. I mean come on, you have more important things to care/wonder/worry about. Why give it any thought. But you did, and for some reason it was a blow to your ego and it makes you mad at yourself for letting it effect you at all. So, you grab your few items unnoticed and go home wishing everyone happiness.

It's been a while...

It has been a while since I blogged. I have so much I want to say, so much running through my head 24/7, but I can't get it all into coherent sentences and phrases. I try to sit down, collect it all, but no luck. At night I jsut want my brain to shut off so I can sleep...which doesn't happen. I plan to stay low-key this weekend...hit the pool again. Maybe then I can gather my thoughts enough to sort it all out. Who knows?