Thursday, September 30, 2010

How to Poop at Work...or in public...

This email has been going around for years but I received it again today and couldn't stop laughing so I felt the needto share the laughter. Because let's face it...poop is funny! Enjoy!

We have all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE - definition: A fart the slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be very a uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see on Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arms. Always looks around the office for the out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) - definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominately of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR - definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH - definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON , or to alert potential Turd Burglers. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglers that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON - definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon is coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMLET - definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY - definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My bucket list

I think everyone has a bucket list of some sort...a list of things to accomplish before kicking the bucket. Here is my list in no particular order.

  1. Travel to Italy, Greece, Spain, Ireland, Ausrtraila, South Africa and South America.
  2. Run a full marathon.
  3. Learn to play an instrument...either piano or guitar.
  4. Find true love.
  5. Take ballroom dance lessons.
  6. Learn Spanish.
  7. Get married in a white chapel in Las Vegas by Elvis...a fat Elvis in a white rhinestone jumpsuit.
  8. Go to the Grand Canyon.
  9. Take a creative writing class.
  10. Finish my degree.
  11. Scuba dive.
  12. Go to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
  13. Go island hopping in the Caribbean.
  14. Take an art class
  15. Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
  16. Swim with dolphins.
  17. See a play or musical on Broadway.
  18. Write a short story or book.
  19. Organize my home better and do better about cleaning it.
  20. Adopt a dog.

Friday, September 3, 2010

10 reasons to have a man around the house...

1. To change the lighbulbs & get things off the top shelves and/or places I can't reach.
2. To take out the stinky trash.
3. To carry the grocery/Wal-Mart/Target bags in from the car.
4. Around the hose fix-ups - hanging curtains (they've been waiting to be hung up for 4 months now), ungog the drains, hook up electronics, etc.
5. Someone to cook dinner for.
6. Someone to come home to & talk about our days.
7. To have someone to watch the big girl TV with on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
8. To vaccuum and dust while I do dishes & laundry.
9. To help rearrange the furniture.
10. To rub my feet after a long run while sharing a ice cold beer.

Am I wanting too much??? I think not.