My heart/mind is heavy.

I am the type of person that will hold her emotions in and put on a brave face for the world...until I reach a certain point.  I get it from my dad.  Well, I've reached that point.  I have to vent, and what better way than to just blog it.  It is my blog and I can vent if I want to.

I miss my nephew Josh.  I worry about him over in Afghanistan every day and hope he is safe.  He has always held a special place in my heart...since the day he was born and that will never change...no matter what.  We've grown apart over the last year but what hasn't changed is I love him and he is my family.  I will always be there for him.  I hope he knows how true those words are. 

I wish my dad could go one day without pain...just one day.  He is such a fighter and it kills me to see him suffer.  He is such a good man and he doesn't deserve to have to live this way.  It isn't fair.  But then again, neither is life.  You have to play with the hand you are dealt.  So, again, I will be there for him, and my mom, for whatever they need whenever they need it.  I was blessed to have such awesome parents, who loved me unconditionally, and I never questioned that.  I always knew they had my back.  I only wish I could do more for them.

When it comes to dating & flirting I totally fail.  In fact, I think I always have.  I just want to meet someone and not play any games & all that crap.  I'm a cool chick...give me a dive bar and a good cold beer & I'm happy.  But my biggest problem is I am shy and I won't walk up to someone and initiate.  This can be perceived as being a snob or standoffish.  Which I'm totally not.  I am trying to work on this.  I miss going on dates...the butterflies...the newness of a new romance.  It'll happen for me...and when it does I hope that man can keep up with me because I can be handful.  And please let him want to always have fun.  No bores allowed.

On a lighter note, we're going camping this weekend! WooHoo!  I need a weekend away and what better time can be had that with your closest friends and then some?  I think there are about 40-ish of us total.  I plan to sit in my camping chair, drink cold beer, eat some damn good food and be with friends.  There is no better way to spend a weekend in my opinion.  Unless it is on a beach with an adult beverage in a coconut.

Racing goals...

Since my budget has been tight lately I've missed out on registering for some races I really wanted to do this season.  One being the Tour des Fluers 20k that is this Saturday.  Another being the White Rock Half Marathon.  I refuse to pay $100 for a race.  I just can't justify it.  And I waited too long to hop on a relay team.  Oh well.  I went through the local race calendar and have my eye on some races to do that I think I can work into my budget. So here is my race plan for this season:

10/13/11 Sante Fe Trail 5k
11/06/11 DRC Half Marathon (pacing the 2:40 R/W finish)
11/20/11 Fired Up 5k
11/24/11 Turkey Tro 8 Mile (I NEVER miss this one)
12/04/11 White Rock Marathon Relay (if I can get a team together)
01/22/12 Too Cold to Hold 15k
02/11/12 Hot Chocolate 15k (can't wait to do this one!)
The next 2 are maybes:
02/19/11 Austin Half Marathon
04/15/11 Hog Eye Half Marathon

If you have any other suggestions on good races preferably with nice swag let me know!

This is my bitch session...you were warned...

There are so many thoughts running through my mind lately...I keep saying I need to blog about it, but I don't. Then they keep running around in there and clogging it up.  Class started last week and I'm already a week behind...awesome! Go me!  I'm tired of being broke.  I need a financial windfall...SOON! There are so many things I want to do and races I want to run, but you can't if the $$$ is tight.  I'm tired of sandwiches and popcorn for dinner.  I wish CatDog would get a damn job to help out...oh well. I have food on the table and gas in the car.  My bills are paid so I know it could be worse.  But damn...I miss having fun.  I also miss my nephew.  I want my dad to get better and not have anymore set backs.  It kills me to see him hurting and in pain.  I wish the pointless drama would go away.  I wish people would mind their own business and worry about themselves.  I wish I could do something special for my friends to show them how much they mean to me.  I want to go visit Zak.  I miss his hugs. 

Ok I'm done...tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.